I have been struggling with what to write on here for a while now. Some would call it writers block but for me I think it is partially paranoia. What people will think. If my writing is even good enough or even worth reading.
If you've been around here for a little bit of time you'll know that I have generalised anxiety disorder and ocd (I capitalised that but it seemed too bold, too overwhelming). It kind of sets me back in a number of ways but also keeps me that one step ahead at times too.
I have two big fears. One of which is myself. Why can't I just forget what people think and get on with life. Fail at certain things but then not worry about having to try again. Anxiety. It makes you think the worst in everything and as soon as you have a good day you start to think of what it is that will bring you back down. The other of my biggest fears is what becomes of myself because of my anxiety. How am I going to get perceived. Like I said, it helps me stay ahead. It helps me to stay grounded. To know what truly matters in life. I get a lot of stick at work for being boring, for not being more adventurous. I put up with it because I know inside what my interests are and what adventures I have had. Just because they know the work me, the girl with anxiety, the girl that on the outside seems boring but because that is the only girl they know, seems to make them able to call me boring. There are so many things I want to do and say and I know that my anxiety keeps me back more than I should let it but it's that that keeps me aware of my surroundings. Yes my life might not be as exciting as I would like it to be, but without my anxiety I wouldn't know who I was. This has been the way I've had to live my life for so long that I wouldn't know how to do it differently. I am my anxiety and it is me. We live in partnership.
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